100 Dumb Ways to Die
by Elf With Redbull
Summary: 10 chapters, 10 places, 10 ways, 100 of the dumbest ways to die in Middle Earth. Parody of 'Dumb Ways to Die', exploring the dumbest ways possible to die in Middle Earth!
1. Shire

10 chapters, 10 places, 10 ways, 100 of the dumbest ways to die in Middle Earth.

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Dumb Ways to Die: Shire Edition

1. Smoke too much pipe weed.

2. Steal Pippin's mushrooms.

3. Get chased by a nazgûl into the Brandywine River.

4. Drown in the Brandywine River.

5. Set off one of Gandalf's fireworks.

6. Set it off inside.

7. Mess with Sam's garden.

8. Threaten Frodo when Sam is around.

9. Go on a quest to _'reclaim a homeland, and slay a dragon._'_  
_

10. Go on a quest to destroy the One Ring.

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Where should we go next? Review to say!

Do you know the italicized quote? Who said it? Submit your answer!


	2. Rivendell

10 chapters, 10 places, 10 ways, 100 of the dumbest ways to die in Middle Earth...and today, we're going to Rivendell.

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Dumb Ways to Die: Rivendell Edition

1. Drown in the River Bruinen.

2. Ask Elrond if you can marry Arwen.

3. Ask Aragorn if you can marry Arwen.

3. Fall down a waterfall.

4. See if Narsil is still sharp.

5. Piss off Glorfindel.

6. Play with Aiglos.

7. Break a Númenórean vase.

8. Read the One Ring's inscription in Black Speech.

9. Barge in at the Council of Elrond.

10. _You *shall* be the Fellowship of the Ring._

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Where should we go next? Review to say!

Do you know the italicized quote? Who said it? Submit your answer!

Last chapter's quote is said by Thranduil in the Hobbit DOS trailer! Congrats to everyone who got it right! Sorry for the quote this time, but it's the best could do.


	3. Moria

10 chapters, 10 places, 10 ways, 100 of the dumbest ways to die in Middle Earth...and today, we're going to Moria.

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1. Get eaten by the Watcher in the Water.

2. Get clubbed by a cave troll.

3. _Orcs!_

4. G_oblins!_

5. Fall down the stairs.

6. Trip and fall *off* the stairs.

7. Start singing. Loudly. Very loudly.

8. Get lost.

9. Knock an old dwarf skeleton down a well.

10. Fall off the bridge of Khazad Dum...while fighting a balrog.

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Where should we go next? Review to say!

Do you know the italicized quote? Who said it? Submit your answer!

Last chapter's quote is said by Elrond in FOTR (who else?)! Congrats to everyone who got it right! Sorry for the quote this time, but it's the best could do.


	4. Mirkwood

10 chapters, 10 places, 10 ways, 100 of the dumbest ways to die in Middle Earth...and today (because of a certain indescribably awesome movie that came out on the 13th), we're going to Mirkwood.

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Dumb Ways to Die: Mirkwood Edition

1. Piss off Thranduil.

2. Threaten Legolas.

3. Ask Thranduil if you can marry Legolas.

4. *Be* a dwarf.

5. *Be* an orc.

6. *Be* any Noldorin elf that was in any way involved with finding three certain Shinies.

7. Fall into the Enchanted River.

8. Fall off any of the numerous narrow, rail-less, bridges elves seem to love putting next to 100 falls.

9. Get stuck in Dol Guldor.

10. Speak to Thranduil of 'dragon fire.'

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Where should we go next? Review to say!

Not any exact quote this time, but number 10 is borderline quote-ish if you know what I mean...

I didn't feel the need to put any spoiler alerts for the movie because most of these are only recognizable if you've actually seen the movie, and they don't give away anything.

Last chapter's quote is said by Legolas in FOTR when they were in Moria. Goblins' was said just after the Fellowship entered Moria when he pulls a goblin arrow out of a dwarf skeleton. 'Orcs' was said in the chamber of Mazarbul after they heard the orcs' drums. Congrats to everyone who got it right!


	5. Lothlorien

10 chapters, 10 places, 10 ways, 100 of the dumbest ways to die in Middle Earth...and due to popular request, it Lothlorien time!

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Dumb Ways to Die: Lothlorien Edition

1) Fall into a river.

2) Specifically the Nimrodel (if you know what I mean).

3) Piss off Galadriel. She will kill you.

4) Piss of Galadriel. Celeborn will kill you.

5) Piss off Galadriel. Haldir will kill you.

6) ...or just piss of Haldir. That would work just as well.

7) Fall out of a tree.

8) Fall (get shoved) off of a talan/flet.

9) After leaving, get shot three times while protecting hobbits.

10) Give Galadriel the ring.

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Where should we go next? Review to say!

No quotes this time either, oh well. Also sorry for the lateness, I've meant to update on Christmas, but with the update, it really screwed the servers up fir me and I've haven't had any time (laziness) to do it since.


	6. Isengard

10 chapters, 10 places, 10 ways, 100 of the dumbest ways to die in Middle Earth...and I almost did Rohan, but I got stuck at six, so...Rohan next, Isengard now...

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Dumb Ways to Die: Isengard Edition

1) Fall off of the roof.

2) Accidentally answer the question _'How can fire undo stone?' _by leaning over the big bomb, holding a candle...

3) Fall off the balcony...that's only halfway up.

4) Then get impaled on a spikey waterwheel.

5) Trip and fall (get shoved), into the caverns.

6) Mock Saruman when he is standing behind you.

7) Get stepped on by an ent.

8) Get body slammed by an ent.

9) Get hit by a ginormous piece of Isengard that was thrown by an ent.

10) Get stabbed in the back by Grima.

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Where should we go next? Review to say!

Do you know the depressing italicized quote? Who said it? Submit your answer!


	7. Rohan

10 chapters, 10 places, 10 ways, 100 of the dumbest ways to die in Middle Earth...and due to popular request...Rohan!

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Dumb Ways to Die: Rohan Edition

1) Become mortally wounded in an ambush by the Isen.

2) Get impaled by 30 Riders' pikes after walking into Rohan and demanding news.

3) Shoot their leader, then get impaled by 31 of aforementioned pikes...and a sword.

4) Be an orc and get massacred by the aforementioned Riders.

5) Fall of Meduseld's patio thingie.

6) Don't take the wizard's staff.

7) Take the wizard's staff.

8) Fall off of a cliff.

9) Fall off the Deeping Wall.

10) Get a scimitar in the arm...and shoulder...and back...

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Where should we go next? Review to say!

Ok, so no quote, but now you get to say who was killed in 1 and 10! ...and no Googling it!

Yep, it was Grima's quote! Congrats all!


	8. Gondor

10 chapters, 10 places, 10 ways, 100 of the dumbest ways to die in Middle Earth...and we're finally at Gondor!

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Dumb Ways to Die: Gondor Edition

1) Try to retake Osgiliath.

2) Light yourself on fire and jump off the Pinnacle.

3) Light someone else on fire (and shove them off said Pinnacle if so desired).

4) Get decapitated by a giant rock catapulted at Minas Tirith.

5) Nazgul. No further explanation needed.

6) Insult Boromir when Denethor is standing behind you.

7) Insult Faramir when Boromir is standing behind you.

8) Get stepped on by a Oliphant on the Pelennor.

9) Piss off the ghost army.

10) Drown in the Bay of Belfalas.

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Where should we go next? Review to say!

In Number 1, it was Theodred (Theoden's son) that died and in 10 it was movie-verse Haldir.

...I really liked Galadriel's egocentric Marchwarden...

I'm going to try to do Minas Morgul and Mordor for the last two. I'm considering doing an extra chapter for Beleriand, but I'm not sure how that will exactly work out.


	9. Minas Morgul

10 chapters, 10 places, 10 ways, 100 of the dumbest ways to die in Middle Earth...and just because I want to, we're finally going to Minas Morgul!

**Just to avoid any confusion, numbers 1-4 take place in the early Third Age, and numbers 5-10 take place in the LOTR/ROTK/whatever time frame.**

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Dumb Ways to Die: Minas Morgul Edition

1) Decide to live there even though it's in spitting distance of Mordor, and will soon be infested by Nazgul.

2) Decide to stay after the Nazgul take over.

3) Go there after challenging the Witch King to a hand to hand duel.

4) Never return.

5) Scream *almost* as loud as the Nazgul when you see the statues of 'twisted men and beasts' guarding the bridges.

6) Get spotted by the Witch King when he rides his fell beast out the front door.

7) Trip random orcs as the army walks past you to go and destroy Minas Tirith.

8) Don't run away fast enough.

9) Fall off the stairs of Cirith Ungol.

10) Just go into _'that nasty place- full of... enemies'._

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...and the long awaited Mordor is next! (and I'm considering doing Beleriand after that as either a seperate fic, or an eleventh chapter. What say you?)

A shoutout and virtual high five if you can tell who I'm talking about in number 3 (and 4)!

Who said number 10?

[Ok, I'm sorry that i haven't updated in a while, and I really have no excuse except that I keep forgetting. Dang.]


	10. Mordor

10 chapters, 10 places, 10 ways, 100 of the dumbest ways to die in Middle Earth...and we're finally at Mordor! YAY!

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1) Provide Shelob with a tasty snack of... yourself...

2) Get stuck in the Tower of Cirith Ungol and get turned in to Sauron.

3) Try to cross the plains of Gorgoroth when all of the orcs are still camped out there.

4) Get killed/maimed/tortured in various ways by orcs, Nazgûl and Fell Beasts.

5) Get blinded/stalked by Sauron('s ginormous eyeball).

6) Starve/get dehydrated to death.

7) Give Sauron the Ring! That will get everybody killed no matter where you are.

8) Get shoved off the Cracks of Doom by Gollum.

9) Get lava-fied by Mt. Doom after chucking in the Ring.

10) Simply...walk into Mordor!

* * *

Last chapter's quote was said by Gollum in ROTK! Congrats to everyone who got it right!

The mystery guy in 3 and 4 was King Eärnur of Gondor! High fives and shout outs to horseyyay and Eruaistaniel for actually getting that right! WOOOO!

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do with 'Dumb Ways to Die in Beleriand', soo...

THE END...for now...


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